The Eyes of the Heart, Pt. 2

It has been over a year (almost year and a half) since I have written and published a blog. Written, yes. Published, no. A lot has happened in the last year, but my reason/s for not writing has nothing to do with the insanity and sheer nuttiness of the world… if anything, it has been for the insanity and nuttiness within me. As I’ve hinted in previous blogs, it may have had something to do with a girl, although I won’t really touch on that here. What it has had to do with though, is my journey with God.

I’d like to say that for the last year+, life has been rainbows and unicorns and being led by still waters to lie down in green pastures, but it hasn’t…as I’m guessing the last year and a half of anyone’s life hasn’t been. However it is life, and life serves one ultimate purpose… to lead us towards death. That’s not me being negative in the slightest. It’s just what happens. For every one began ends in death…#truestory. Well, except for Enoch and Elijah and Jesus.. but the odds of that happening to any of us… pretty slim.

And herein is why I’m writing again. It is who I am and what I do. I am a writer. It is my gift and I’ve done okay with it up to now on a very, very, very small scale… but I need to do more. “Feed My sheep” is how I believe He put it…and continues to put it. “Why do you call me Lord, Lord, yet don’t do what I say?” Yes, Lord…I will do what you say. Yet I’ve written very little here and almost none in the last three years, whereas I had been writing every day. Would I have liked to be writing as I had before? Yes. I have at least fifty ideas and/or topics to write about, and more opportunities arise daily… yet here I sit.

But this…ALL of this, the last five years have been a part of my journey…to get me to here. I’m okay with words, but am not overly eloquent. I don’t have a filter in real life, so I don’t see the need to have one here. But I will write to honor God and don’t believe He would want me to filter His words….or say anything that needs to be. And while I believe God has given me the words to say in previous blogs, I think He wants me to step up my game. He wants me to write from my heart.

I have named and renamed my blog a few different times over the years before settling on The Eyes of the Heart. Here are a few reasons why. One of my favorite authors, Frederick Buechner, who I will quote occasionally titled one of his books the same. And, of course, it led me to one of my favorite Bible verses, Ephesians 1:18-20.

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms…

“Know the hope to which He has called you” “His great power for us who believe” “…the same power that raised Christ from the dead”… I don’t know about you, but I want me some of that. “The riches of his glorious inheritance”… such a great chapter of the Bible. Such a great book in the Bible. All of the promises of God are for us.. on Earth as it is in Heaven.

So I write again. As I’ve said I was writing before, or dabbling in writing, but hadn’t quite hit on “eyes of the heart” writing. My Journey with God. I was only seeing with the eyes on my face…and if that is all I am capable of seeing with, I might as well be blind. If I was concentrating on writing fiction it may be different…I may have gotten away with it, as most of our fictional stories all have a bit of truth in them. That’s not good enough, though. My wants in writing have become to put on paper what God wants me to, so I’ll stick with non fiction…*Atheist opinions may vary. Guess that was a little off topic, but I have a way of making short stories long. 🙂

The hardest part I’ve found, so far, is cleaning out the gunk, cobwebs and debris from past hurts. I recently asked God to dig up (and heal) my heart as it has needed renovation and renewing for far too long. He came to heal the brokenhearted. There’s a lot of messiness there and so many things, scary things, things clowns that live in the sewer system are scared of I had stuffed down for so long and put to death…or so I thought. But as good of a God as He is.. as loving and compassionate as He is, He cannot and will not let us stay there. If you aren’t operating from the heart, you are among the walking dead. He is taking me back to the beginning to begin healing. He is not a half hearted God. He won’t stop at halfway, because halfway healed is still broken. He wants our true selves.. That isn’t to say He can’t use us otherwise, but He knows and loves us, but not the earthly versions of us we pretend to be. He wants the person He created before we were born. That is who He needs us to be. And thank Him for not quitting on us until we’ve become that person.

We all have a story of woundedness, yet if we don’t ever meet it head on and heal from it, we will most likely operate from that woundedness until we do. And so many people never do… I don’t want to be one of those people. My story isn’t unlike many, many others. A boy waits patiently for his father to come home when he’s two years old which becomes three which becomes five, then ten, then becomes he’ll never come for me, which becomes no one will ever come for me, and that’s where the boy learns to live out of. A girl waits her entire life time to hear her mother say “I love you” one time…. just one time, and that one time never comes and now her mother is no more, and she’s still waiting for words she’ll never hear. And that is where she learns to live out of. An area of pain, hurt and anger… and they both vow to never be in that position again.

So, eventually….once upon a time boy meets girl, they fall in love and they tell each other the words they never heard growing up…and they don’t know what to do with them, or how to process them, so they don’t. They part ways. They could be in each other’s arms in thirty minutes or less, but now they’re strangers. Once everything to each other…now they don’t talk. Hurt people hurt people.

Again, two stories that may not be any different from your own, and there are stories much more horrific than those. The parents who hurt us were once children of parents that wounded them. And most likely, intentionally or not, we have done the same to our children. Now would be a good time for a Bible verse… and I have nothing.

But then again, I do have something. I have everything. I have God and she does, too. That doesn’t mean there will be a happily ever after story between said boy and girl. The journey between them may be over…it may have just a chapter in the story of their journeys to God, but there will be a happily ever after story with God.

But it’s a process. It is always a process and we should always be a work in progress. And my progress is currently in digging up the past and healing. Until recently, I couldn’t tell you much of my life between two and twenty. But the parts I could tell weren’t any worth telling. Not sure if the second twenty something years would be any different. Smiling didn’t happen much and still doesn’t. Yes, I was a class clown and to this day enjoy making others laugh at work, at church, the check out line at the grocery story, at anywhere I go…I try to make others laugh even if I fight back tears while doing so. But I’m not content in staying there…..anymore. For a long time, I’ve been the man at the well. For probably longer than the 38 years it’s been said he was there. Soooo, I think it’s time to pick up my mat and walk…..but mostly talk/write. 🙂

Yet, that’s a scary thought. What are you supposed to do with your new found wellness? Unfortunately, we have curled up in our blankets of brokenness for so long, that we have made a home of it…and it’s not that bad there. Cozy, comfortable and every now and then the sun peeks in the great room between the blinds. It isn’t much, but it’s home…….or is it? Doesn’t look like life and to the full to me. So, everybody…. at the count of three, pick up your mat and walk.

Three.

Okay. Anyone there? Me either….but at least, I haven’t rolled my mat out again. I will continue writing and I will hit the publish button for the first time since July of last year. Hopefully, it’s a little more from the heart, or eyes of the heart and will continue to be. It can be a bit unnerving to hit the publish button without knowing what to expect. Will anyone read it? Does it make any sense? Does anyone care what my version of writing with the eyes of the heart truly is? Do they get it? Do they share the same thoughts? Are their wounds and pain too deep to uncover? Will we say a collective “what’s the use?” and keep trudging through what’s left of life? I hope not.

Hitting the publish button under any circumstances can be a daunting task, and it is with an odd mixture of pride, fear, humility, laughter, uncertainty, trepidation, etc and the underlying thought of “I hope I don’t scare them all away” as I move towards doing so. This is an attempt at seeing everything… you, me, the broken boy and girl, the homeless man pushing his overloaded cart towards the underpass to sleep on a cold night, the wealthy man cutting you off in his vehicle that cost more than your house with the eyes of my heart. We’ve all been wounded and scarred (and scared) at some point in our lives, and somehow find a way to live out of these places. Some with nothing. Some with everything (or so they think), because things are just things. They don’t make us complete. Only God can do that. There is an empty spot in all of us only He can fill. If only we would let Him.

Let Him. I’m kinda talking to you there, but talking to myself more. This is me and I hope some of you like it. This is who I am without the mask. I hope to write more from the heart, until I find myself no longer needing to wear one. God wants us as our true self and loves us enough to not let us remain behind the masks. He wants our tears, and sweat and snot and bloodied, bleary eyed and brokenness, the lost and long forgotten hopes and dreams, the absolute worse as in the vow, for better or worse, He wants us. So that He can heal us. Again, it’s life and to the full. He came to bind up the brokenhearted. Let Him…. see above. Kinda talking to myself again.

Back to the boy and girl story…still no happy ever after. It actually reminds me a little of Romeo and Juliet. No, we weren’t star crossed lovers, but were very good for each other. But the same things that brought us together were the same things that eventually tore us apart with all the unhealed damage we brought (from other people and our pasts) to our relationship. Heal! Get well! Don’t use your hurt to hurt others. There are resources available….and I don’t mean self-help. You can’t self help your way out of this. Find a Christian centered therapist, a friend, your pastor or a church worker that can steer you towards the right people. Try more than one, if nothing seems to be happening with the first or second or third one. Pray, pray and pray more. Turn to God. Open the door… for His sake, open the door!!

Back to Romeo and Juliet…..sort of. They ended up dying way too young and needlessly. I think. It’s Shakespeare. I only read it because I had to over 40’something years ago. YAWN!! Anyway, it was a tragic ending to their young lives. Dying once cannot be an easy thing to do, but I have to assume it’s better than dying every day for the rest of your life… Get well. It’s time we all learned to see with the eyes of our heart. It’s a beautiful, messed up world we live in. Rejoice and be glad in it. I say again, rejoice!

The Eyes of the Heart

Yes, I know it’s the name of my site, but thought it deserved its own story/message/sermon/blog, too. I named it this as I wish by doing so that I will eventually be able to see everything and everybody through the eyes of my heart. I also hope that by sharing these thoughts, I can somehow move closer towards this goal, whether in giant leaps or baby steps, and can hopefully help someone else do the same. A daunting task… or is it? With God all things are possible… right?

“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you…” – Ephesians 1:18a

That sounds like a great thing to want, or actually to long for. I long to see with the eyes of my heart. It seems so very close and attainable, yet it feels miles away. That it is just beyond our grasp… or mine anyway. It also seems to be a bar that keeps moving as I near it. I can only speak for myself, but think that may be true for a lot of people. Maybe it’s scary to us. Maybe we’re afraid of the mess we’ll find…because if we’re honest with ourselves, if only for a second, we know it’s messy in there. Sometimes we get close. We get it in our sights… we reach out for it and as we begin to close our fingers around it…. it moves again. Just beyond our grasp. But we have to keep looking, because that’s where I think real freedom comes from.

I have come to believe that’s what religion does to us. Whether it means to or not, man made religion can and will take the heart out of us. I believe in God. I believe He walked the earth in human form, and I believe He left us a helper as promised. But I hold back in the things that matter. If I do manage to see with the eyes of my heart, either I don’t tell anyone or I pull back out of fear… or I pretend I didn’t see it and just move along. Nothing to see here. Religion wants us to be safe. Religion doesn’t want us to talk back. Religion wants us to be good boys and girls and eat our vegetables. Jesus wants different. Jesus wants more from us and for us. He will keep us safe, but He wants us to lose our lives for His sake and to truly live from our real selves… He wants us to follow Him. And for that, we will need our hearts.

I feel I have a pretty good relationship with Jesus… but I’m also biased, have blinders on and keep God at arms length. Although I know it is not how this works, it’s as if our relationship is on my terms… and we all know that isn’t true. God will change you and your life to align with His will. Yes, with love, mercy and grace, but He will change you. He doesn’t want anyone to perish. He will leave the ninety-nine to search for you… How great is that?!

I pray almost continously as the verse says. Sometimes too much, though, as sometimes (most times) I just need to shut up and listen. As in my everyday life, I choose to stay busy with my busyness. Where is my Be Still? Where is my ability to rest in Him? I go into my quiet place. I shut the door. I follow all the rules (or attempt to). I start to pray from the heart, then my mind goes somewhere else… my mind remembers it’s messy in there. I want so very much to pray in the needs of the day from my heart, but have found over time, whether wanted or not, my prayers have become mechanical, structured, repetitive and boring. I’ve prayed for years for my prayers not to become rote… yet here I am.

That isn’t what I want, though, and I know that’s not what God wants to hear. I can almost see or hear Him finishing my sentences for me as I pray them. Lather, rinse, repeat…c’mon man, be real… get to the point, He says! He knows what’s next and it’s not what He wants to hear. He knows what’s on and in my heart…. and I stay quiet. I talk to Him like I do the cashier at the grocery store, or the neighbor I’m supposed to love. It’s honest talk, but it’s also small talk to keep the silence away.

I want to give Him my heart and yield my ways to Him, but always find myself holding on to something, holding back from Him, although He knows everything in my heart. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, right?!?! Then why am I still here? Why am I stuck on this part? I have a good heart, but it’s an injured heart… but aren’t they all? My story isn’t any different in that way.

I’ve had the same joys, heartaches, happiness, sadness, love, laughter, fears, heartbreak, contentment, hurt, pain, peace that everyone experiences at one time or another. Our individual stories are different, but the story is essentially the same. A parent that should have been there for us left. A parent we wished had left stayed and abused us mentally, physically in ways no one should have to experience. We found love… then someone who promised to stay forever forgot what the meaning of forever is. We have all had to shut our hearts down or off completely for protection from hurts, heartaches and disappointment. Unless we’re very fortunate, most of us have found ourselves, at one time or another, standing and staring at the edge of a giant hole where our life used to be, how it used to be and sometimes wish it still was. We kick a rock into the abyss and never hear it hit bottom.

So how do we go about finding our heart to really, really pray from, and to see and truly live from? Again, I can only speak for myself as I am the only one who can take and live my journey, as you can only take yours. As each journey with Jesus is personal, this is personal also. Even as I type this, the words that made me begin this blog, that sounded so very good and meaningful in my mind as I sat down at the computer, now begin to escape me. What was the real me an hour ago is becoming the false self again. How do I write this down for complete strangers to read? Why on earth would I? But why wouldn’t I if my life depends on it… because in a way it does.

Is it the enemy? Is it for protection? Is it a little of both? I mostly feel that is from that false self we have created. The funny one. The smart one. The laid back one. The reclusive one. All of the “ones” wrapped up together… The masks must come off. The same small talk we have with the cashier, the waiter/waitress/server/ whatever we’re supposed to call them these days. The small talk with family, friends, co-workers to keep the hounds at bay long enough to smile and laugh and tell a joke or funny story about our weekend before we turn to go just as a tear finds its way from the corner of our eye down our cheek from a new hurt we’ve just experienced or from a memory we thought we had forgotten long ago.

That’s also what we tend to do with God.

Dear God, thank you for this and thank you for that, and if you would could you help me out with this… okay, thanks, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

By not seeing with the eyes of our hearts, and praying from them also, we are not letting God be God. We have made our agreements in our minds for protection from life’s hurts and stings and from the arrows that go right into us. We handcuff God. We place limitations on Him. God is about as big for us as we assume Him to be. If we think He can get us a parking space close to the door, or let us hit all green lights on our journey, then that is who God is to us. But that’s not God. God is so much bigger than that! He doesn’t program the traffic lights or get you to the store first… But He does watch over you and love you and protect you….. if you’ll let Him.

Take the limitations off of Him. Change your routine, if you must… and you should if it’s become predictable and is taking the life out of you. God isn’t routine and your prayers shouldn’t be either. Let your guard down and open your heart. It will take practice and time…. and it will hurt a little.

Thank Him for everything you have in you to thank Him for. Thank Him for your family, kids, job, house, car, etc. Thank Him for the sun, moon and stars. Thank Him for your friends, pets and hummingbirds. Thank Him for putting a white dove in your path on Saturday when you needed a sign from Him more than ever. Thank Him for the ocean and sky, the mountains, the snow, rain, rainbows, the everything…. and then open your heart. Tell Him of the hurts and disappointments. Tell Him of the pain that lingers and the fears that keep you paralyzed on your mat. Be personal with Him. Confess everything good, bad or otherwise because He knows it anyway. Treat others how you want to be treated applies to God, as well. Treat Him as you want to be treated. Thank God He’s more merciful than that and will treat us with love and grace whether we deserve it or not. Just be honest with Him. << preaching to myself a little/a lot.

Then get ready. Get ready for healing and restoration. Maybe not right away as we see time, although God can do more in a minute than we can in a lifetime. But healing will come. Rest assured, it will come. But you have a responsibility in it, also…. You have to want to be well. More than life itself, you have to want it… because, in fact, it is life you’re after. And the freedom of being well may be more than you’re ready for. For some, the pain and hurt have become their identity, and everything outside of that is scary. You may be tempted to wait until He’s out of sight before spreading your mat back on the ground again and getting comfortable by the pool. We’ve all been there, some more than once, and some still choose to live there every day. Don’t do it!!!! Take a step of faith…then another… then another. Trust and obey. This is life and this is your life. Live it well and with everything you have in you to live with. We are a mist and then gone. Give God the chance to show you the exceedingly abundant God He is. Let God be God.